Settle!

In The Atlantic, a really depressing article about women "settling" for a decent men, even though they aren't the men of their dreams. I've been talking a lot with both male and female friends about this same thing.

See, women in their twenties, and sometimes even in their thirties, keep looking for the perfect man. And as they grow older, they become even more discriminating, adding item after item to their checklist of must-have qualities. Yet, at the same time, they are aging, and can no longer depend upon their success in the genetic lottery to attract men simply by virtue of their looks. Their biological clocks are ticking, and yet they have rejected every man so far; the outlook for the have-it-all life they believe is their birthright becomes grimmer and grimmer.

So what should they do? Well, this article advises them to settle, i.e. just pick someone with whom you have a reasonable rappor. This is advised because the older you get, the worse you both will look, and the more important the emotional connection will be. And really, that "dream" person will never come along.

Okay, so women should not be so picky. Sure, as a middle-aged man, I've often wished that were the case. But what kind of advice is this from a man's point of view? Do I want to be with a woman who feels she is settling for me? A woman who will go through the rest of her life imagining there is someone better out there? A woman who believes that I am important to her only as a slot to fill in travelogue of life and an unpaid nanny later on (that is if she doesn't divorce me because she's bored, thus ending up with a wage slave ATM *and* an unpaid babysitter)? A woman who wants a teammate for the boring stuff in life while she finds passion outside of our relationship?

Um. No.

But the author does hit it right on at the very end. She suggests "settling" young. I agree.

But in an age when a woman can divorce a man because she is bored (no-fault divorce), get custody of the kids (80% of the time), get the house (restraining order), and still keep his money (child-support), I think more important than teaching women to settle is teaching them not to expect that they can have everything: the career, the degree, the kids, the family, etc.

Life is compromise, and unless you are very very lucky, talented, skilled, and driven, you are not going to be able to have it all. But teaching people that they are entitled to have it all creates a "princess" attitude, and then telling them they should settle adds superiority on top. A bad combination.

Research shows that you can maximize your happiness in a relationship by simply picking the first person who comes along - after you have dated several people - who you really like. Chances are, you're not going to meet someone better. But believing that you can find somone who matches your growing checklist of "I want"s is downright silly.